Navigating the landscape of loss after the death of a teenage daughter
Sunday, 17 March 2013
The day my life caved in
My beautiful daughter Chloe 25th January 1995 - 28th February 2013
My precious daughter died just one week ago; and the pain is indescribable. It feels like a physical ache; like a tsunami of the soul. It’s horrible. I’m not sure how I’m ever going to survive this; but I’m going to try and I’m going to log my progress here. I have no answers, no magic solutions – just a need to step gently hour by hour.
So what have I learnt in my one week as a bereaved mother. Firstly that somehow a numbness comes in and cloaks you from the real intensity of grief. Every now and then that cloak is pierced and it sends you tumbling into a spiral of the most searing pain possible. And then you come out of it. I don’t know how you do, but you do. And secondly, and perhaps most importantly, think very carefully before you visit a loved one – especially a young loved one – in a chapel of rest. It wasn’t what I thought it would be. My beautiful beautiful daughter was unrecognisable – and there was definitely no soul there. Comforting, I guess, as emphasised the fact that the soul really does go somewhere else. I’m quite torn though. I feel I’m letting her down if I don’t visit again – is she lonely, is she cold, does she feel abandoned? All nonsense questions as she isn’t there – but the mind plays very strange tricks. Anyway if anyone asked me advice on this I’d say do what you need to do; but you don’t need to visit. It doesn’t always help.